Coming Out as Transgender, and Losing People For It (And What Might Help)
Coming out as transgender can be hard – planning when, planning where, planning how – repeating what you’re going to say over and over in your heard, or perhaps writing the sixth draft of an email you are going to send. For some, a harder part can be what happens next, when someone you love goes quiet, tells you you are ‘wrong’ about yourself, or decides you’re not someone they want to know anymore. Having someone cut you off can be one of the most confusing, devastating and painful things any of us ever experience, and for someone who has just come out as transgender, it is an extra layer of pain that you may not have expected.
Estrangement is a spectrum – you may find that you’ve been cut off completely, or suddenly the weekly phone calls to you become the occasional call that feels awkward and uncomfortable. You may also discover that you’re no longer invited to family events such as birthday parties or weddings. Or you may find that you are bombarded by unwanted messages and calls telling you to re-consider, telling you you are not transgender and you need to think again, telling you they know you better than you know yourself. Someone may suddenly have nothing to say, whereas others have everything to say. Both can be extremely painful.
It's not rare, and not just you
I’m sad to say that this isn’t rare, and it isn’t just in your head. Just Like Us is a UK LGBT+ young people’s charity and its 2023 Positive Futures report found that 46% of LGBT+ 18–25 year-olds were estranged from at least one family member. This is compared to 33% of their non-LGBT+ peers. And their non-LGBT+ peers were half as likely (21%) to have a supportive family compared to those who were non-LGBT+ (42%). Furthermore, 1 in 3 did not believe coming out to their parents, carers or guardians would be met positively.
I’ve put that research here not to frighten you, but to make you aware that this can happen. And at the same time, to say that none of this is a reason to stay quiet about who you are. It’s a reason to go in with your eyes open, and to know that if it goes badly, you’re not the only one it’s happened to, and you didn’t do something wrong by being you.
Rejection is information about the person doing the rejecting. Someone walking away because you told them the truth is a statement about them, and not about whether you deserve to be loved.
Practical help
So let’s look at practical things that can help if you find people stepping away from you after you come out as transgender. Losing someone in this way is a loss, and grief doesn’t care that the person is still alive, still one phone call away, still turning up in photos on your Instagram feed. Be kind to yourself, give yourself time to adjust, and remember that this reaction is not your fault. You are being true to yourself, and you have every right to be you.
Look at building a family for yourself. A chosen family supporting you is safer than a biological family who cuts you off or only engages with you on their terms. A chosen family may include friends, an LGBTQ+ group, an online community, or all three.
“Look for support that isn’t about managing everyone else’s feelings about your transition."
For your loved ones who have stepped away, if there is a door left open at all, think about what contact is safe for you, and what you want. They have made a decision, and you can make a decision too. A decision that is allowed to change over time. Perhaps you’ll decide to walk away and never look back. Or maybe you will decide that you will keep your distance and keep the contact low – cards on birthdays, polite conversation at family events. And that may also change over time, one way or another. Some relationships do repair, sometimes a long way down the line, once the person who judged you has had time to catch up to who you already were.
Look for support that isn’t about managing everyone else’s feelings about your transition. A good counsellor / therapist who is gender-affirming, is non-judgemental and respects confidentiality, can give you somewhere to talk, openly and honestly. They can provide a space where you don’t have to watch what you say, or watch what you do. The space gives you somewhere to share what you’re carrying, and to help you find your way forward with support and care.
If you’d like to talk to someone who will listen and sit with you in the way that you need, do get in touch. I work with transgender people both online (camera on or off) and face-to-face. Let’s have a 15 minute chat to start, so you can meet me and decide if I feel like the safe person you need.
Catriona Standingford MBACP MNCPS (Acc.)
Therapist | Counsellor | Coach | Educator
Catriona is a registered counsellor and therapist providing online and in-person therapy in Chepstow, South East Wales. Combining extensive personal lived experience with formal CPCAB qualifications, she specialises in trauma recovery, abuse, family estrangement, and LGBTQIA+ affirmative therapy.
Read Catriona's full bio, credentials, and practice approach →
My professional accreditations and credentials
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