Should I Go 'No Contact' with a Family Member?
If you’ve ever found yourself wondering if you’d be better off without a family member in your life, whether a parent, a child or a sibling, it’s likely that you have been carrying a level of pain, confusion, or exhaustion that has built up over years. You may not have noticed it building up over time, and there may be no obvious point at which you start wondering why you stick with them, but whether the catalyst is a single event or it’s the accumulation of multiple events, choosing to go no contact with family is one of the most difficult and emotionally complex decisions a person can make.
Contrary to what you often read in the media about people choosing to cut ties with a family member with little thought, the reality is that It’s not something people do lightly. It’s usually something people consider when they feel they have exhausted all other options.
Difficult and often toxic family dynamics are real and can have long‑lasting effects on your mental and emotional wellbeing. This can include criticism, manipulation, emotional abuse, guilt‑tripping, gaslighting, favouritism, or constant boundary violations. When these patterns repeat over time, your nervous system learns to stay on high alert. You may feel anxious before visits, find yourself trying to avoid family events, you may feel drained after phone calls, or feel guilty for wanting space. These aren’t over-reactions, these are indicators that something isn’t right.
Is 'no contact' too extreme?
People often ask whether going no contact is “too extreme”, and the media can often bring shame and guilt to someone considering it by suggesting that it’s an “easy way out”, that “blood should be thicker than water”, or “social media is to blame”. From what I’ve seen and heard in my counselling room, this is not the case. People try to manage the situation, and work hard to resolve the issues by setting boundaries, reducing contact (often referred to as going ‘low contact’), explaining their feelings, or trying to repair the relationship. But if nothing changes, or not enough change occurs, no contact becomes a form of self‑protection. Estrangement whether in the short or longer term may be the only option left to maintain good mental health.
Guilt and Hope
One of the biggest reasons people hesitate is guilt. Family systems often teach us that loyalty is unconditional, even when the relationship is harmful. You may worry about being judged, hurting someone’s feelings, or being seen as the problem. When you’ve been conditioned to prioritise others, choosing yourself can feel uncomfortable, even when it’s necessary.
Another reason people struggle with this decision is hope. Hope that things will improve. Hope that they’ll finally listen “this time”. Hope that if you explain yourself clearly enough, they’ll gain some level of understanding and move towards change. Hope is human — but it can also keep you stuck in cycles of hurt. If the relationship only works when you abandon your needs, silence your feelings, or shrink yourself, it’s not a healthy relationship.
Is going no contact right for me?
So how do you know if going no contact is right for you? Start by asking yourself:
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- Do I feel safe, respected, and emotionally steady around this person?
- Have my boundaries been consistently ignored or mocked?
- Do I leave interactions feeling worse about myself?
- Have I tried to repair the relationship without meaningful change?
- Is maintaining contact harming my mental health?
“Going 'no contact' doesn’t mean you’re unforgiving, dramatic or selfish.”
What is clear is that going no contact doesn’t mean you’re unforgiving, dramatic or selfish. It means you’re choosing peace over chaos, clarity over confusion, and healing over harm. It can be an act of self‑respect and self-preservation. It can be a boundary that says: I deserve to feel safe in my own life.
If you’re considering this step, take your time. Seek support. Reflect on what you need to feel whole in this world. No contact is not about cutting someone out, it’s about letting yourself in.
Having worked with clients who are either considering going low or no contact with family members, or who actively chose to estrange from family members, I have the training and experience to help you explore where you are, where you want to be, and how to navigate this path. Do contact me to have a chat about how we can work together to help you through.
Catriona Standingford
Therapist | Counsellor | Coach | Educator
My professional accreditations and credentials
Are you in an emergency?
Are you currently experiencing an emergency or major crisis? Are you considering serious self-harm? Please seek immediate help from your GP, visiting your nearest A&E or dialing 999.
If you would like to have someone listen to you, you can also contact the Samaritans immediately on 116 123. They are available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.